Today I ventured into unknown territory.  I crossed the divide.  You know that line of demarcation in children’s clothing stores that separates the boys’ clothes from the girls’?  I’ve always been a good little boy-mom, staying on my side, carefully keeping my eyes fixed on the baseballs and guitars and pirates and dinosaurs.  Never letting my eyes wander to that side, that magical side with the glitter and tulle and frilliness.  Even when I had to approach that side in order to check out, I hugged the counter, making sure NOT TO TOUCH ANYTHING, knowing that if I reached out and touched one of the ruffles or bows, I might never make it back to boyland.

Hear me now.  I ADORE boyland.  Elliott has his first necktie – navy with sculls all over it.  It makes a mama all gooshy inside to see her big boy in a little tie.  I can’t quit kissing his sweet face in his squeezy soft hoodies that make him look all adorable and totally cool.  Big fan of boyland.

However.  I am a girl myself.  Some who knew me growing up may disagree, as I went through a rather long, rather dismal men’s clothing phase where I wore baggy overalls, shopped at Structure, and sported oversized everything.  In my defense, it was the 90’s, and unisex was big, down to CK1, the fragrance for both men AND women.  Anyway, I am a girl myself.  I am drawn to girly things.  And today, I crossed the divide.

I wasn’t planning on it.  I was behaving incredibly rationally and economically and refusing to think about the new horizon spreading out before me.  Yes, I have a daughter coming my way, but I have months until I’ll get to bring her here and plenty of things to check off my list before I consider clothing.  And then my mom called, and I heard myself gushing, ”Sure, I’d love to meet you at Gymboree and help you pick out something for ESD.”  Something inside me started to bounce.  I felt a shivery girl-mom sensation course through my body.  What was this feeling welling up?  And then I entered the store, ripped my eyes away from the boy side, and stared full-on at the girl side for the first time.  OH.  MY.  TUTU.

There are these little bins filled with things called ACCESSORIES – bows and tights and clips and headbands and little ballet shoes.  Tutus in an array of colors.  Little sweaters not for warmth, oh no, not for warmth.  For pure, faux fur fun.  As my very favorite color of all time is of course ORANGE, I indulged in an orange tutu for my girl.  And Mom and I picked out what will be ESD’s homecoming outfit, for the plane ride back…sometime in the future.  It’s hanging in the closet now reminding me that this is real, and she’s really coming home someday.

I still adore the boy side, and in fact ogled a brontasaurus hoodie on my way out.  But today’s foray onto the pink side awakened in me the inner girly girl, the tea party-planning, leotard-buying mommy that lay dormant all these years.  And if she wants to rock a bass guitar and wear a firefighter hat, that’s cool, too.

Today, I was across town waiting for Elliott to finish his music class, cultivating a pretty firm addiction to Angry Birds and allowing myself a few blissful moments to not.  obsess.  about.  the referral.  And then it came.  I saw the 817 area code and thought, “It’s Natalie calling me about a question that I had for her.”  She’s called me a couple of times recently and each time started out with, “This isn’t the call,” which only raises my opinion of her, for having the courtesy to not let me get my hopes up.  So this time, I expected to hear the same warning…but instead, she says, “This IS the call.”  Come again?  It’s the end of the day on a Thursday and I’ve already given up on this week and had a pity party and now I’m not thinking about it and what?  The call?  Really?  I started jumping up and down and telling all the other moms in the hallway, “My referral!  I got my referral!!”  A few of them knew what I meant.  The others were nice enough to look happy for the giddy stranger screaming in the hallway.  Natalie asked me if I wanted to know anything, gender, age, name.  I said YES, but don’t tell me until I get with Alex.

I picked up Elliott, swung him around, and said, “Baby!  Let’s go see the baby!”  I called Mom and had her pick up Spike from the groomer.  No time to waste!  I called Alex and told him WE HAVE A REFERRAL and he got off the phone quickly and set up the video camera and then we were home.  We called Natalie back and as she was emailing us the first of two files filled with details, photos, beautiful pieces of our Slash, she said “her.”  HER!?!?!?  HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Slash is a girl!!!  Slash is a girl!!!!!!  I have a daughter.  Didn’t really see that coming…and I LOVE it!!!!!!!  She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.  Her eyes, oh so big and glistening and thoughtful, thoughful, soulful eyes.  Can’t wait to look into them.  Her sweet, pouty lips are kissibly perfect.  Her face is delicate and gorgeous and expressive and I just want to memorize it.  I have a daughter.  Whoa.  I’m so happy that it hurts.  A really good hurt, like deep tissue massage.

At the end of soaking in all the details that make up my daughter, Natalie said that we could take a couple of weeks to decide.  I tried to be all “okay, well Alex and I will talk and–”  and then my highly rational and careful husband cut in and said, “Can we accept now?  Do we have to wait?  I mean, I already love her!”  I.  Love.  That.  Man.  Yes!!  So then I’m chiming in YES YES YES WE ACCEPT just tell us what to do!!! 

So now my mind is swirling with thoughts, some serious thoughts about the sweet biological mother who had to give her up, some light and silly thoughts about UK cheerleading outfits and tutus.  Adoption is so interesting.  On one of the happiest days of my life, I’m also filled with grief and loss for the other mother, the one who doesn’t get to keep her.  That’s a whole other post.  For now, amidst the pain that is orphanhood, there is the joy of adoption.  And I am joyful.  Goodbye “Slash.”  For now, I’ll refer to her by her future initials, “ESD.”

I have several important Julies in my life.  I’m a big fan of Julies.  They make great friends.  Two Julie friends have come to me in the last few weeks with incredibly creative ideas.  Let me share them with you now!

Julie #1: friend from Peachtree City, our kids have been in music class and Waumba Land together for about a year and a half.  She has a wonderful idea for blessing our kids in Adacar.  Here it is in her own words:

Hi Everyone,                                         

Our community here in Peachtree City has been brought together with another community all the way in Adacar, Uganda with the help of Children’s HopeChest. Children’s HopeChest is a Christian organization that cares for over 10,000 orphans worldwide by caring for their basic needs like food and clothing as well as their emotional and spiritual needs. In Adacar, there are over 300 children who are orphaned and need our help. I can’t rescue all the orphans in Adacar from the extreme poverty they endure, but I can do something to hopefully make them smile.

In July 2011 a group will be going to Adacar, and I would like to send pillowcase dresses for all the girls and moms. The mission team would also like to teach some of the older girls how to sew so they can keep their dresses looking pretty, and mend other clothes that are very tattered.

There are 3 ways you can help!!!!!

First Way To Help…

Here is a list of items I need donated:

Pillowcases-All Sizes Including California King (new or gently used)
Ribbon-Grosgrain or Satin
Elastic-1/4 Inch
Thread
Sewing Kits (like the ones you get from hotels)
Scissors
Sewing Needles

Second Way To Help…

Break out your sewing machines or borrow one, and start sewing!!!! Once I start getting donations, I would like to have a few sewing parties so we can get an assembly line going. I have attached a link to a YouTube video of someone actually making a dress from start to finish. If I can make one, anyone can!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtuGUB-jsH8
Third Way To Help…

Forward this email to friends and family that you think might be willing to help.
            Please consider what you are able to do. Together as a community there is no telling what we can do…

I love this idea!!!  If you want to participate, please comment on the blog and leave me an email address, or Facebook or Tweet me.

Julie #2: small group leader and friend from college, sponsors 2 Adacar kids, has a successful Arbonne business and wants to use it to bless adoptive parents!  If you’re looking for ideas to fund your adoption, here’s a great one.  Julie says:

I have been asking God how I can use this amazing business blessing for HIS glory.  And here is what’s  brewing: are you working to fund your adoption?  I want to pass my profits into your adoption fund.  And I am so excited!  Please share this with friends who are preparing for their adoption!!

I am an Area Manager with Arbonne – I make a 14% commission on all the products sold anywhere in my organization. If someone buys Arbonne from me, they can shop full price as a Client or use the shopping discount as a Preferred Client (and I make either 35% or 15% profit on that).  So, I have some exciting profits to gift to your adoption.

How??  Let’s talk - I’ll connect you with the most comfortable way to sample products, share samples, pass referrals – and we’ll bless your friends and family with pure, safe products that really work – and they’ll shop knowing that they are gifting you with 14% plus 15% or 35% of their purchase.  Contact me with a facebook message and we will get on it!  I’m praying that God will use me to help you bring your children home soon! My kids are so excited to help me – I credit Peter (my 9 yr old) with the idea.  Wooo!!  A gift, from my kids to yours.

 I love these Julies and their hearts for orphans!  If you are interested in either idea, please let me know!

Every Monday I wake up with the same thought: will this be my week?  Will I get to meet my child this week, at least on paper?  On Monday the week spreads out full of possibilities.  By Wednesday, I start to doubt.  By Friday, I’m resigned to another weekend of waiting.  I don’t usually cry in church, but yesterday, I couldn’t help it.  We sang:

God of my hoping

God of my dreaming

God of my watching

God of my waiting

Be my everything.

Yep, I was a blubbering mess.  He’s enough.  He’s my everything.  This wait is hard.  I feel like my heart is being squeezed by really strong fists.  But I know in my head that God knows my child and the plan.  I’m the crying child in the toy aisle at Target, and He’s the parent saying, “No, sweetie, not today.”  Because He knows that Christmas is coming up and He has shiny, beautiful presents to put under the tree for me.

Alex and I have been talking a lot lately about the wait.  Life is always waiting.  So how do I choose to wait?  Do I pine and pine and pine and put everything on hold while I yearn and hope?  Do I live in a frozen state of not yet?  Or do I realize that life isn’t about the results, the events.  It’s about the process.  I’m not waiting.  I’m living.  This is it.  There will always be another wait.  So I just need to live. 

This realization has permeated my brain, but it’ll take a lot longer to make it to my squeezy, exploding heart.  I’ll just have to wait.

At Together for Adoption, I got to speak for a few inspiring moments with Dr. Susan Hillis, speaker at the conference, mother of 12, expert on HIV/AIDS with the CDC.  She told me that for the last four years, she’s been praying for a Christian in the life of every orphan in the world.  She asked me to join her in that prayer.  Yes!  I told her that I have 213 orphans that I’m starting with.  That’s 211 in Adacar, plus our Bosco in Ngariam, plus our Slash in Ethiopia!  Of the 211 in Adacar, I have 111 confirmed sponsors (probably a few more since the last update a month ago).  So, I’m still praying for Christians to step up for those 100 sponsorless orphans.  You know what?  I want Christians in their lives because I want them to know how much Jesus loves them, how much the God of the Universe – who created their beautiful acacia trees and their wide open skies and their lush, fertile land, and their heart-melting smiles – cares about them, cares for them, knows their names and the hairs on their heads.  But I ALSO want Christians in their lives because Christians NEED them.  People who call themselves “Christians” need to understand God’s heart for the fatherless.  One of the MANY verses that talks about God’s heart is James 1:27.  I think almost every single breakout and main session at the conference mentioned this verse.  What’s tragic is that a little over a year ago, I’d never noticed it.  I’ve read James many times.  How did I miss this?  “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”  I’m joining Dr. Hillis in her prayer.  I’m praying for a Christian in the life of every orphan, all 163 million of them, starting with the 213 for which I’m responsible.  Because THEY need us, and maybe even more, because WE need THEM.  My faith, my “religion,” is pretty meaningless without them.  I know God wants me to look after orphans because He says so in His word, and I also know because when I was in Uganda and had orphans in my lap and in my arms and on either side, I felt His pleasure.  I felt closer to God than I’ve ever felt before.  In Adacar, about 100 more to go.  100 more families here who can experience God’s heart in a whole new way.  100 more opportunities….