Hang in there, Boy-Slash-Girl.  It’s been almost a year since we started the process and it’s been 5 1/2 months since we’ve been “officially” waiting, but we’ve been waiting for you for a lot longer than that.  Ten years of marriage, 8 of which we’ve spent trying to build our family.  My faith is not shaken.  Not even close.  My faith in my loving Creator who has a perfect plan is stronger than ever.  However, my patience in the perfect plan is shaky.  This momma is tired.  I’m trying to find joy in each day, find purpose in each day, but the longer I wait, the more the reality of you creeps into the edges of my vision, where it’s blurry and unknown.  As I see mothers with babies who are about your age, my body longs for you, Baby Slash.  My arms ache to hold you, my eyes well up to look at your face, my fingers twitch to feel your hair, and my chest contracts as I can almost feel you nestled against me.  I’m wrecked.  I’m wracked.  I need you with me.  Each day I’m filled with equal parts anguish and joy, sparkling with wonder and laughter as I explore the world with Elliott and fighting full-body sobs as I grieve for the loss that you’re feeling right now.  Please find in me the healing that you need; let me point you to the one true Healer.  I’m comforted that He’s with you now, guiding your path, making a way for you to arrive in my arms.

I remember all those years that I begged and begged God to be a mother, to watch Alex be a father.  I am so grateful for Elliott.  And I’m so grateful that God chose to answer my begs in a way that I never saw coming.  What a privilege to spend the day celebrating my incredible husband, my brother, also an awesome father, and my dad, the most amazing role model a girl could have and the most loving and compassionate and godly man on the planet.  I am so blessed to have these men in my life, and I’m so blessed to have them in the life of my son.  Tonight I’m filled with equal parts joy for the father in my life and anguish for the millions of kids without daddies to hold them.  I’m so in love with the Father to the fatherless. 

God, in this broken world filled with hurting kids, be enough for them tonight.  Show them how much You love them.  Fill their hearts with God-powered Daddy-love.

This week, as I’ve waved my awesome-God sign and seen my orphan profile packets dwindle to 17 lonely teenagers in need of sponsors (only 17 more!), my thoughts have fluttered over to you more and more.  It’s hard for me to think about you too much right now.  I can help hundreds and hundreds of orphans, but I can’t help you right now, MY orphan.  My Slash, who is an orphan right now but won’t be soon cuz Mommy.  Is.  Coming.  To.  Get.  You.  Oh, I wish it was tomorrow.  I wish it was today.  I just want to hold you hold you hold you forever and I want forever to start now!  Slash!  I miss you, buddy.  I miss you and I haven’t even met you yet.  Yesterday Elliott said that he thinks you’re a baby sister.  I think you’re a baby brother.  I can’t wait to find out what you are.  Last week I watched girls make beaded necklaces and then yesterday I bought girly clothes for your new cousin who’ll be about your age, and I wanted you to be a GIRL!  But then last week I watched two brothers play ball together and yesterday I watched Elliott swim with the boys, and I wanted you to be a BOY!  Pretty much I’m excited about you no matter what you are.  Whatever you are, you’re going to fit into my family, your family, our family.  We’ve been 3 for 3 years now.  I want to be 4…and then if God wants to double or triple that number, I’m all for it, as long as they’re not all toddlers at the same time. 

Slash, okay, I’m just going to be really real with you right now, Mommy has tears in her eyes thinking about you.  I’ve held babies in Africa now.  Baby Slash, some of them are sick.  Their hair is bleached light with malnutrition and their eyes are sickly yellow and some of them have malaria and are anemic and need nutrients.  Oh buddy, is your hair too light?  Are your eyes yellow?   Do you have malaria?  Do you have a parasite or ringworm or a rumbly, hungry belly?  Do you need Mommy to kiss it and make it better?  I want to take you to Publix and get you a cookie while we wait for your antibiotics that’ll kill all the bugs living in you.  I want to fatten you up with Chick-fil-A chocolate milkshakes with some Juice Plus gummies on the side for good measure.  Slash, please hold on.  I am coming for you.  I’m going to make you yummy smoothies, and full disclosure, I hide spinach in my smoothies, so prepare to receive nutrients on the sly, sweet child.

I just put Elliott to bed.  Someday soon, you’ll sleep in the room right next to his.  Daddy and I will read you both stories and brush your teeth and pray with you.  This month, Elliott and I have been thanking God for making him.  “Thanks, God, for making Elliott’s laugh.  Thanks, God, for making Elliott’s blue eyes….”  I’m thanking God for making you, too, and I can’t wait to thank Him together.  Thanks, God, for making Slash’s big brown eyes.  Thanks, God, for making Slash’s sweet smile.  Thanks, God, for making Slash’s curly hair…Thanks, God, for making Slash for our family.

After dinner, I excitedly presented our moms with the “Love Goes Around” necklaces from JunkPosse, an early Mother’s Day since we’ll be in Africa.  As I was explaining how these necklaces help support and restore victims of sex trafficking, my sweet hubby pulls out a third white, heart-shaped box.  For me?  He gave me the JunkPosse “Heart for Africa” necklace!  Oh, how I wanted it so much.  And now, wherever I go, everyone will see how much I love Africa.  And my husband!  Happy Mother’s Day to me! 

After we all put on our new necklaces, we wandered over to the park, and as Elliott was playing, the ice cream truck pulled up.  As he slurped on his bubblegum-flavored popsicle, our parents spend time praying over us on our trip.  Wow.  I’ll never get over the incredible gift of having two sets of parents who like each other and have a common bond in Christ.  Elliott smeared blue and pink all over his mouth and peered up at us all bowing in prayer (Um, yeah, I peeked.).  I love that he has a mom, dad, two grandmothers, and two grandfathers who all pray together!  Our sweet moms are going to call each other each morning at 6:30am to pray for us while we’re on the trip.  Grateful.

I’m so excited for Slash to come into this family!  People keep asking, “Have you heard anything?”  “It’s getting close, isn’t it?”  No and no.  It’s discouraging, but this morning God reminded me that Slash will become part of our family at the perfect time, God’s time.  Waiting is full of all kinds of argh, but God has a lot for me to do while I wait. 

While I wait, I get to dress up in funny costumes with Elliott and march around banging on drums.

While I wait, I need to kiss the top of Elliott’s head about 150 times a day.

While I wait, I have about 300 orphans to hug in Uganda.

While I wait, I have about 260 orphans for whom to find sponsors.

While I wait, I want to get deeper into Scripture and fall more and more in love with Him.

While I wait, I get to graduate up to high school with my big 8th graders.

While I wait, I need to help abolish the sex trade.

While I wait, I need to see Adecar’s kitchen built and work on the next steps of the community development plan.

While I wait, I get to help my church embrace Africa and orphans.

While I wait, I have blogs to write and friends to encourage and brand-new high school girls to text and a husband to kiss and a 3-year-old with whom to work in the garden.  I have sweet tea to brew and bread to bake and loads of cuddling to do with Spike the dog.  So, I’m thinking maybe a healthy mix of saving the world, time with family, and nervous breakdowns at the feet of God.

You know those families with all the good kids that love the Lord?  You know, the families where everyone goes, “What are they doing right and how do I learn how to do that, too?”  Recently I visited one of those families.  Elliott’s babysitter, an incredible girl who loves the Lord with her whole heart, was in a terrible golf carting accident that nearly took her life.  We went over to visit with her.  Elliott and I pulled up to her curb in our golf cart.  We saw high school guys and girls playing soccer on the front lawn.  More kids hanging out in front of the garage.  We walked inside, more teenagers.  Our sweet babysitter was lying on the couch talking with more friends.  Everywhere I looked, I saw Bible verses.  Her dad immediately started playing with Elliott and showing him all the musical instruments in the house.  As I spoke with our sitter, I heard the piano, the drum set, and a guitar, all playing worship music.  I found Elliott sitting at the drum set, having the time of his life, and the dad taking pictures of him telling me how gifted my son is.  The mom walked over to me and just breathed life into me about Elliott’s speech delays, and shared her wisdom on decisions about preschool.  These parents had almost lost one of their children the day before, yet they took the time to encourage me, a young mom, and show my son attention and love.  I was blown away.  They were so present in that home.  Not on the phone.  Not working around the house.  They were present and invested in the young lives around them.  They have so much love for Christ that it spilled out onto the kids in the house.  I didn’t want to leave.  I felt so accepted and…full of joy.  No one was watching TV.  No one was playing video games.  They don’t have a fancy house filled with the latest gadgetry.  Their home is filled with the love of Christ and relationships.

So often I’ve fallen for the lie that we as parents need to create an exciting house that will lure kids to want to hang out in it.  And the lie that we as student ministry leaders need to create an over-the-top, mind-blowing experience to lure kids to love Christ.  Movies, gaming systems, prizes, me out of the way enough so as not to scare them off.  I’m not buying it anymore.  Literally, I’m not BUYING it.  No more buying things in order to sell Christ.  I think if we can work on loving Christ and really digging into Him, soaking up His love for us, then His love will exude out of us and THAT will make us attractive to our kids and their friends. 

I found further confirmation for this realization over the weekend at a retreat with my 8th grade girls.  On Saturday night, we took turns going around the circle and telling each other what we love about each other.  It was one of the girls’ ideas.  I thought, sure, this’ll be a fun little half-hour exercise.  It took us 2-3 hours.  We didn’t finish till after 1am.  There we were, sitting in someone’s gorgeous home theater with a screen the size of the whole wall, and it wasn’t on.  No one was texting.  We just sat and spoke love to one another.  We laughed hysterically and we cried with overwhelming joy.  And when it was my turn, I had the privilege of hearing what I was doing right – being myself, loving them, glowing when I see them…you get the idea.  Relationships.  Not stuff.  Such a good lesson.  I’m learning it as a youth leader and as a parent, and I hope as Elliott gets older that I get it right.  I certainly have some good role models.

“All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be” Psalm 139:16.

Lately I’ve been crawling into my Father’s lap in the afternoon while Elliott is taking his nap.  I grab my favorite fuzzy blanket and lay on the couch.  I read the Bible or some of Francis Chan’s Crazy Love and just listen to my Daddy, my Abba.  I pour out my fears, tell Him about the big decisions and issues I have, thank Him for loving me.  I usually fall in and out of sleep.  I used to feel guilty about sleep-praying, but I see it differently now.  Have I ever gotten mad at Elliott for falling asleep in my arms?  Have I ever been hurt by his inability to keep his eyes open when I’m holding him?  Nope.  Not once.  I love every sleepy moment with my son. 

How much more does God love me?  I think when I choose to get up from my computer, walk out of my kitchen, put down my cell phone, and crawl into His lap…I think He loves every moment, sleeping and awake.  I come out of that time with Him refreshed, restored, and reminded of His deep, deep love for me, love that’s somehow even greater than the love I feel for Elliott.

A nap in God’s lap.  A lap nap.  Go grab your Bible and try one the next time life feels really overwhelming.

So, here’s the update on Adecar.  First…WE RAISED THE FULL AMOUNT NEEDED TO BUILD A KITCHEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!  As I added up the weekend’s tally and received the last check, I realized that we had what we needed to get the kitchen facililty built and burst into tears.  I felt really stupid, but then everyone else started crying, too.  Some of the best tears I’ve ever shed.  Thank you to all who bought merchandise, bid on auction items, or just plain wrote much-needed checks.  Thank you.  This kitchen will have a place to prepare meals for the over 300 orphans living in Adecar, a locked food storage area, and a covered pavilion for community gatherings and Bible teaching.

Now about those 300+ orphans.  We made a good dent this weekend.  At Saturday night’s event, I think almost every couple left with an orphan in their hands.  It was such a privilege to watch as families looked through the faces and chose orphans to bring into their homes.  Some even left with sponsorship packets for their neighbors.  We saw about 40 orphans sponsored.  What a blessing. 

The Children’s HopeChest team brought sponsorship packets for about half of the orphans living in Adecar.  Once we find sponsors for those 150+ kids, then we get the other half.  So, I have a little over 100 orphans in my living room.  They each have a story, a tragic one.  They each need a family.

God says that He sets the lonely in families.  I watched it happen this weekend.  I had a woman tell me that she was looking for two girls who were siblings.  The packets weren’t organized that way.  I thought it would take forever to find.  The very first two packets that I set my hands on were two sisters.  Thanks, God.  I wanted to sponsor a boy Elliott’s age, so that they could grow up together, writing back and forth, and someday meet.  I found George.  He was born in 2007, same as Elliott.  His profile says that he enjoys dancing, singing, music, and cooking, and his personality can be described as active, extroverted, friendly, and curious.  Yep, George and Elliott.  Two peas in a pod.

I watched as one couple chose orphans for each of their four children, matching genders and ages.  They are having their children contribute financially to the sponsorship.  What an incredible experience for them, to grow up learning about the impact that they can make in the life of a peer.  One couple sponsored a child, but couldn’t get Julius out of their minds.  They’ve contacted me and are taking him as well.  At one of the Swaziland launches, Menzi kept following me around the room.  Everywhere I looked, I kept finding his packet.  Finally, I picked him up and carried him from person to person.  The next night, I found out that a family to which I’d introduced him is praying about sponsoring him.

These kids are becoming real.  They started as a barrage of African faces, pictures of strangers peering through plastic covers.  Now they are George, Julius, Mary, Florence, Betty, Amos.  The names and faces go on and on, spread out on my living room floor.  They each matter to God and they matter to me.  I feel the burden of being their voice in America.  If I don’t speak for them, who will?  It’s a burden that I willingly accept and humbly lay before the Lord.  Show me how to speak for these kids.  Give me the creativity to find them sponsors.

Let me know if you want to sponsor a child in Adecar, Uganda.  By sponsoring a child, you’re changing the course of that child’s life, helping to change the course of the entire village of Adecar, and you’re also changing the course of your own life.  $34 a month, $408 a year.  At Karts for Kids, I was tremendously touched by the person who told me that he figured it out, and the new flat screen TV that he wanted cost $34 per month.  And instead, he left that night with an orphan in his hand.

I’m not asking anyone to give anything up, and I never want to make anyone feel guilty.  I’m just sincerely excited about what we can do, what a gigantic difference we can make, when we wake up and do something.  We can be Waking Giants!  Alex and I are on this fabulous journey.  Our hearts are broken, but bigger than ever.

Hey, I kept a bunch of Ugandan paper bead necklaces for anyone who missed Karts for Kids and still wants to buy a necklace.  I’ve got necklaces, and I’ve got orphans.  Any additional money that we raise right now is going to food.  We can’t have a kitchen without that.

Anyway, I know I’m rambling.  I haven’t even started on the fabulous weekend that we had with the HopeChest team.  I can’t believe it’s real that I get to be on a volunteer team with the most amazing orphan advocates in the world.  We had 10 people packed into our home and spent all weekend talking orphans and Africa, and also laughing till I snorted…a lot.  I love my new friends.  I love my new life.  My heart and my life are very full.  I am thankful.

Kisses and hugs, sending oodles of love to you,

Mommy