Oh Slash, every day some wonderful person asks me if we’ll get you soon. And I have nothing new to say! I’m feeling like a momma hamster on a wheel, running faster and faster to get to my baby hamster and gaining no ground. But I can’t quit running. It feels worse to sit and wait than to run and wait. And so I run. They should hook my hamster wheel up to a generator so at least I can produce enough energy to power a lightbulb while I run. I’m playing this game where I try not to think about you and in the trying, I think about you. And then I try TO think about you, and I can’t think about you because you’re not here yet and it’s not time and I go a little crazy thinking about your life right now. Argh. Hug. This afternoon my other baby, Elliott the big boy, fell asleep in my arms while I was booking a trip to an adoption conference. I love that boy so much. Can’t wait for you guys to meet. I’m trying to ease him in slowly to the idea of sharing his toys. We talk about you all the time. Now he thinks you’re a brother. Hmm…that’s 2-2, Elliott and Mommy vs. Daddy and Mommy’s BFF. Boy or girl, boy or girl…. I’m really looking forward to this conference…and I’m also scared that my heart will hurt too much being around a ton of people who have already adopted. I think it’ll be equal parts comforting and maddening…so that leaves me…excited. Yeah, I’m a masochist.
Hang in there, Boy-Slash-Girl. It’s been almost a year since we started the process and it’s been 5 1/2 months since we’ve been “officially” waiting, but we’ve been waiting for you for a lot longer than that. Ten years of marriage, 8 of which we’ve spent trying to build our family. My faith is not shaken. Not even close. My faith in my loving Creator who has a perfect plan is stronger than ever. However, my patience in the perfect plan is shaky. This momma is tired. I’m trying to find joy in each day, find purpose in each day, but the longer I wait, the more the reality of you creeps into the edges of my vision, where it’s blurry and unknown. As I see mothers with babies who are about your age, my body longs for you, Baby Slash. My arms ache to hold you, my eyes well up to look at your face, my fingers twitch to feel your hair, and my chest contracts as I can almost feel you nestled against me. I’m wrecked. I’m wracked. I need you with me. Each day I’m filled with equal parts anguish and joy, sparkling with wonder and laughter as I explore the world with Elliott and fighting full-body sobs as I grieve for the loss that you’re feeling right now. Please find in me the healing that you need; let me point you to the one true Healer. I’m comforted that He’s with you now, guiding your path, making a way for you to arrive in my arms.
