Oh Slash, every day some wonderful person asks me if we’ll get you soon.  And I have nothing new to say!  I’m feeling like a momma hamster on a wheel, running faster and faster to get to my baby hamster and gaining no ground.  But I can’t quit running.  It feels worse to sit and wait than to run and wait.  And so I run.  They should hook my hamster wheel up to a generator so at least I can produce enough energy to power a lightbulb while I run.  I’m playing this game where I try not to think about you and in the trying, I think about you.  And then I try TO think about you, and I can’t think about you because you’re not here yet and it’s not time and I go a little crazy thinking about your life right now.  Argh.  Hug.  This afternoon my other baby, Elliott the big boy, fell asleep in my arms while I was booking a trip to an adoption conference.  I love that boy so much.  Can’t wait for you guys to meet.  I’m trying to ease him in slowly to the idea of sharing his toys.  We talk about you all the time.  Now he thinks you’re a brother.  Hmm…that’s 2-2, Elliott and Mommy vs. Daddy and Mommy’s BFF.  Boy or girl, boy or girl….  I’m really looking forward to this conference…and I’m also scared that my heart will hurt too much being around a ton of people who have already adopted.  I think it’ll be equal parts comforting and maddening…so that leaves me…excited.  Yeah, I’m a masochist. 

Hang in there, Boy-Slash-Girl.  It’s been almost a year since we started the process and it’s been 5 1/2 months since we’ve been “officially” waiting, but we’ve been waiting for you for a lot longer than that.  Ten years of marriage, 8 of which we’ve spent trying to build our family.  My faith is not shaken.  Not even close.  My faith in my loving Creator who has a perfect plan is stronger than ever.  However, my patience in the perfect plan is shaky.  This momma is tired.  I’m trying to find joy in each day, find purpose in each day, but the longer I wait, the more the reality of you creeps into the edges of my vision, where it’s blurry and unknown.  As I see mothers with babies who are about your age, my body longs for you, Baby Slash.  My arms ache to hold you, my eyes well up to look at your face, my fingers twitch to feel your hair, and my chest contracts as I can almost feel you nestled against me.  I’m wrecked.  I’m wracked.  I need you with me.  Each day I’m filled with equal parts anguish and joy, sparkling with wonder and laughter as I explore the world with Elliott and fighting full-body sobs as I grieve for the loss that you’re feeling right now.  Please find in me the healing that you need; let me point you to the one true Healer.  I’m comforted that He’s with you now, guiding your path, making a way for you to arrive in my arms.

Today my little Slash, like so many kids in the world, doesn’t have a father to celebrate.  I can’t stand it.  I’m hanging onto the truth that one day, he-slash-she will have the best dad in the world, my WakingAlex.  I’m comforted that my boy-slash-girl has the perfect love of an unfailing Father, God Almighty.  But I’m wrecked.  I’m wrecked for George, who clung to Alex and probably needs another hug right about now.  I’m wrecked for Bosco, 13 years old and needing a daddy to model godly manhood to him.  Alex is writing to our boys tonight.  Oh, how I love him so much.  If only letters could have hugging arms.

I remember all those years that I begged and begged God to be a mother, to watch Alex be a father.  I am so grateful for Elliott.  And I’m so grateful that God chose to answer my begs in a way that I never saw coming.  What a privilege to spend the day celebrating my incredible husband, my brother, also an awesome father, and my dad, the most amazing role model a girl could have and the most loving and compassionate and godly man on the planet.  I am so blessed to have these men in my life, and I’m so blessed to have them in the life of my son.  Tonight I’m filled with equal parts joy for the father in my life and anguish for the millions of kids without daddies to hold them.  I’m so in love with the Father to the fatherless. 

God, in this broken world filled with hurting kids, be enough for them tonight.  Show them how much You love them.  Fill their hearts with God-powered Daddy-love.

Hey, Baby Slash.  Mommy’s been busy hopping planes and holding orphans, watching God unite kiddos with sponsor families.  It’s been amazing.  I love being part of God’s plan for these kids.   I get to be the one who holds up the big neon sign saying, “Look at how awesome my God is!”  I love being a sign-holder for God.  He’s done some pretty neon-praiseworthy things lately.

This week, as I’ve waved my awesome-God sign and seen my orphan profile packets dwindle to 17 lonely teenagers in need of sponsors (only 17 more!), my thoughts have fluttered over to you more and more.  It’s hard for me to think about you too much right now.  I can help hundreds and hundreds of orphans, but I can’t help you right now, MY orphan.  My Slash, who is an orphan right now but won’t be soon cuz Mommy.  Is.  Coming.  To.  Get.  You.  Oh, I wish it was tomorrow.  I wish it was today.  I just want to hold you hold you hold you forever and I want forever to start now!  Slash!  I miss you, buddy.  I miss you and I haven’t even met you yet.  Yesterday Elliott said that he thinks you’re a baby sister.  I think you’re a baby brother.  I can’t wait to find out what you are.  Last week I watched girls make beaded necklaces and then yesterday I bought girly clothes for your new cousin who’ll be about your age, and I wanted you to be a GIRL!  But then last week I watched two brothers play ball together and yesterday I watched Elliott swim with the boys, and I wanted you to be a BOY!  Pretty much I’m excited about you no matter what you are.  Whatever you are, you’re going to fit into my family, your family, our family.  We’ve been 3 for 3 years now.  I want to be 4…and then if God wants to double or triple that number, I’m all for it, as long as they’re not all toddlers at the same time. 

Slash, okay, I’m just going to be really real with you right now, Mommy has tears in her eyes thinking about you.  I’ve held babies in Africa now.  Baby Slash, some of them are sick.  Their hair is bleached light with malnutrition and their eyes are sickly yellow and some of them have malaria and are anemic and need nutrients.  Oh buddy, is your hair too light?  Are your eyes yellow?   Do you have malaria?  Do you have a parasite or ringworm or a rumbly, hungry belly?  Do you need Mommy to kiss it and make it better?  I want to take you to Publix and get you a cookie while we wait for your antibiotics that’ll kill all the bugs living in you.  I want to fatten you up with Chick-fil-A chocolate milkshakes with some Juice Plus gummies on the side for good measure.  Slash, please hold on.  I am coming for you.  I’m going to make you yummy smoothies, and full disclosure, I hide spinach in my smoothies, so prepare to receive nutrients on the sly, sweet child.

I just put Elliott to bed.  Someday soon, you’ll sleep in the room right next to his.  Daddy and I will read you both stories and brush your teeth and pray with you.  This month, Elliott and I have been thanking God for making him.  “Thanks, God, for making Elliott’s laugh.  Thanks, God, for making Elliott’s blue eyes….”  I’m thanking God for making you, too, and I can’t wait to thank Him together.  Thanks, God, for making Slash’s big brown eyes.  Thanks, God, for making Slash’s sweet smile.  Thanks, God, for making Slash’s curly hair…Thanks, God, for making Slash for our family.

Alex’s parents have been visiting us.  Yesterday, on their last night, we made the Columbia Restaurant’s signature salad, piled into the golf cart, picked up pizza, and met my parents over at Lake Peachtree, where we ate pizza and salad, played with Elliott at the park, and watched the sun go down over the water.  It was perfect. 

After dinner, I excitedly presented our moms with the “Love Goes Around” necklaces from JunkPosse, an early Mother’s Day since we’ll be in Africa.  As I was explaining how these necklaces help support and restore victims of sex trafficking, my sweet hubby pulls out a third white, heart-shaped box.  For me?  He gave me the JunkPosse “Heart for Africa” necklace!  Oh, how I wanted it so much.  And now, wherever I go, everyone will see how much I love Africa.  And my husband!  Happy Mother’s Day to me! 

After we all put on our new necklaces, we wandered over to the park, and as Elliott was playing, the ice cream truck pulled up.  As he slurped on his bubblegum-flavored popsicle, our parents spend time praying over us on our trip.  Wow.  I’ll never get over the incredible gift of having two sets of parents who like each other and have a common bond in Christ.  Elliott smeared blue and pink all over his mouth and peered up at us all bowing in prayer (Um, yeah, I peeked.).  I love that he has a mom, dad, two grandmothers, and two grandfathers who all pray together!  Our sweet moms are going to call each other each morning at 6:30am to pray for us while we’re on the trip.  Grateful.

I’m so excited for Slash to come into this family!  People keep asking, “Have you heard anything?”  “It’s getting close, isn’t it?”  No and no.  It’s discouraging, but this morning God reminded me that Slash will become part of our family at the perfect time, God’s time.  Waiting is full of all kinds of argh, but God has a lot for me to do while I wait. 

While I wait, I get to dress up in funny costumes with Elliott and march around banging on drums.

While I wait, I need to kiss the top of Elliott’s head about 150 times a day.

While I wait, I have about 300 orphans to hug in Uganda.

While I wait, I have about 260 orphans for whom to find sponsors.

While I wait, I want to get deeper into Scripture and fall more and more in love with Him.

While I wait, I get to graduate up to high school with my big 8th graders.

While I wait, I need to help abolish the sex trade.

While I wait, I need to see Adecar’s kitchen built and work on the next steps of the community development plan.

While I wait, I get to help my church embrace Africa and orphans.

While I wait, I have blogs to write and friends to encourage and brand-new high school girls to text and a husband to kiss and a 3-year-old with whom to work in the garden.  I have sweet tea to brew and bread to bake and loads of cuddling to do with Spike the dog.  So, I’m thinking maybe a healthy mix of saving the world, time with family, and nervous breakdowns at the feet of God.

Today I’m praying that we would redefine “family.”  I love my son more than anything else in this world.  As I was hugging him and kissing him and murmuring how much I love him in his little ear, I was struck with the conviction that I cannot horde my love for him.  I cannot keep it all to myself.  Today I’m praying that mommies and daddies across the world would increase the borders of their love.  That God would give us a heart and passion for the kids in this world who have no one.  Alex and I love Elliott, Baby Slash, Bosco, George, and 300+ orphans living in Adecar.  They are part of our family.  We can be spiritual mommies and daddies. 

I’m praying that today each person would take the next step.  If you’re not sponsoring a child, do it!  Increase your family!  Be a mommy or daddy for another child who needs you!  If you’re already sponsoring a child, sit down today and write to your child.  Breathe words of truth and love, life-giving words to a lonely child who needs to hear them.  Don’t worry about whether or not you’ve heard from your child.  I don’t love my son based on what he gives me.  Thankfully, God doesn’t love me based on what I give Him.  Today, I’ll write Bosco and George because I love them and they are a part of my family. 

Maybe it’s becoming a sponsor (Contact me if it is!), maybe it’s writing to your sponsored child, maybe it’s a child on your street that needs encouragement, or a child in your daughter’s class.  Today, DON’T HORDE YOUR PARENTING!  The more I extend the borders of my family, the more I want to open up.  I don’t want to limit my mommying to my biological child, or even to my future adopted children.  I want to share my mom-ness, my mom-oscity with kids who need me, to Bosco in Ngarium, to George in Adecar, and to all the kids living in Adecar and Uganda.  I want to take the love and nurturing that God has given me and share it with any child who needs it.  Being a mother is the greatest gift imaginable.  I never take it for granted.  What a privilege to parent!  And I cannot in good conscience take the gift that’s been given to me and hide it in my house.

Some might say that there’s only so much room in your heart and schedule.  Better to stick with the kids you have.  Your own child will suffer if you open up to too many others.  I don’t think that’s true!  The more I love, well, the more I love.  The more I love Elliott, the more my love expands and I have more and more and more love to extend to others.  God is love, and He’s the source of all love, and He doesn’t run out!  The more I love, the fuller I feel, the more love spills out of me. 

I have a stack of sweet kids right here on my desk who need to hear that someone cares about them, that God the Father loves them.  So today, expand the borders of your family.  Don’t horde your parenting!