Ugh, waiting stinks.  Some days I’m fine and other days I’m ready to crawl up a wall or under a blanket with a fluffy pillow to squeeze.  I’m having a hard time focusing right now, so I’m making a list of everything that I have to look forward to in the next couple of months.  This will likely be very boring for everyone else but me.

1. Trip to Memphis to meet Lindsey and Le, Ruta, and Alazar.  So slobbering excited about that.  We’re doing the Mojo Music Bus Tour and staying right on Beale Street.  I love the blues, and I loooovvve Lindsey and fam, who I feel like are our counterparts in Oklahoma City.  Can’t wait to talk sponsorship coordinators, Uganda, Ethiopia, adoption, and do some major laughing and celebrating, all while listening to killer music and eating barbeque.

2. The final batch of Adacar profiles should arrive any day now.  I keep checking the mail to see if they’ve come.  I’m just really excited to get all the kids sponsored.  Right now I have a ton of people to follow up with, but slowly I’m seeing my database of kids be filled with sponsors’ names.  Still a lot of blank ones, but people are slowly getting their payments set up.  And we’re making progress on the CarePoint.  More about that when I have concrete info.

3. HopeChest’s partner conference followed by the Together for Adoption conference.  I’m so excited to have quality face-to-face and hugging time with the Warrior Girls and to get to see Joseph (Uganda country director) again.  And to meet more and more and more adoptive parents.  Honestly, I’m meeting so many adoptive parents these days that it almost seems weird to me when I meet a family with all biological kids.  “Like, really?  You made all of these and they all look like you?  Weird!”  Ha!

4. Back to school!  I know, it’s cruel and unusual for me to look forward to that, but I abhor summer and all things shorts and sweating.  I love getting all my high school girls back on a regular basis, cooler weather, layering clothing, and being able to take Elliott to the park without getting a third degree burn.  Fall frolicking is around the corner, and as the leaves die, I start to live.  And one of my favorite things in fall is Vertical Reality, the fall retreat with the high school students.  I can’t wait to spend a whole weekend away with them.  We’ll have so much to talk about, starting high school and all.  I wouldn’t repeat that for a million dollars, but I love walking this road with them.

5. A referral?  Fall should mean we get to “meet” our little one, at least on paper.  I’m so excited to find out boy or girl, and hopefully that knowledge will give me lots to dream of and work on through the winter until we finally get to go.  In the meantime, I am happy to report that we’ve found a delicious Ethiopian restaurant in Atlanta (Thank you, Beattys!!), and I’ll be making lots of trips there to soak up the culture and shovel in the food.  As some of you know, Alex and I tried Ethiopian food years ago in Georgetown and it was terrible!  I love almost every kind of food on the planet, so I’ve just been sick about it (both literally for 24 hours after and figuratively).  I’ve been praying for God to allow me to love it, because both Ethiopia and food are such huge parts of my family.  Anyway, one bite at Queen of Sheba last week and we realized that Ethiopian food is DELICIOUS!  Our first experience in Georgetown must’ve just been BAD Ethiopian food, just like I’ve had bad American food.  Queen of Sheba was good, good, good, oh so good, and Elliott adored it, too, rising on his knees over the big family-style plate and scooping up the food with injera.

Okay, that’s enough anticipation for one post.  And just typing it all out has elevated me from my waiting funk and reminded me of what’s to come.  I also want to balance all the things to come with the things of NOW, because I don’t want to live in the future.  The now is good and is not to be wasted.  The now is digging into God, spending time with friends, kissing my husband, building really tall Lego towers with Elliott, helping unite sponsors with kids in Adacar, wearing my cute Sseko sandals (maybe the one benefit of summer weather in Georgia), and spending precious minutes with my parents.  Two of my close friends lost their parents last week, and I’m reminded that life is fleeting, there are no guarantees, and I want to enjoy every minute.  So, this post is kind of rambly, but I think I just blogged myself into a really hopeful and positive mood.

Oh Slash, every day some wonderful person asks me if we’ll get you soon.  And I have nothing new to say!  I’m feeling like a momma hamster on a wheel, running faster and faster to get to my baby hamster and gaining no ground.  But I can’t quit running.  It feels worse to sit and wait than to run and wait.  And so I run.  They should hook my hamster wheel up to a generator so at least I can produce enough energy to power a lightbulb while I run.  I’m playing this game where I try not to think about you and in the trying, I think about you.  And then I try TO think about you, and I can’t think about you because you’re not here yet and it’s not time and I go a little crazy thinking about your life right now.  Argh.  Hug.  This afternoon my other baby, Elliott the big boy, fell asleep in my arms while I was booking a trip to an adoption conference.  I love that boy so much.  Can’t wait for you guys to meet.  I’m trying to ease him in slowly to the idea of sharing his toys.  We talk about you all the time.  Now he thinks you’re a brother.  Hmm…that’s 2-2, Elliott and Mommy vs. Daddy and Mommy’s BFF.  Boy or girl, boy or girl….  I’m really looking forward to this conference…and I’m also scared that my heart will hurt too much being around a ton of people who have already adopted.  I think it’ll be equal parts comforting and maddening…so that leaves me…excited.  Yeah, I’m a masochist. 

Hang in there, Boy-Slash-Girl.  It’s been almost a year since we started the process and it’s been 5 1/2 months since we’ve been “officially” waiting, but we’ve been waiting for you for a lot longer than that.  Ten years of marriage, 8 of which we’ve spent trying to build our family.  My faith is not shaken.  Not even close.  My faith in my loving Creator who has a perfect plan is stronger than ever.  However, my patience in the perfect plan is shaky.  This momma is tired.  I’m trying to find joy in each day, find purpose in each day, but the longer I wait, the more the reality of you creeps into the edges of my vision, where it’s blurry and unknown.  As I see mothers with babies who are about your age, my body longs for you, Baby Slash.  My arms ache to hold you, my eyes well up to look at your face, my fingers twitch to feel your hair, and my chest contracts as I can almost feel you nestled against me.  I’m wrecked.  I’m wracked.  I need you with me.  Each day I’m filled with equal parts anguish and joy, sparkling with wonder and laughter as I explore the world with Elliott and fighting full-body sobs as I grieve for the loss that you’re feeling right now.  Please find in me the healing that you need; let me point you to the one true Healer.  I’m comforted that He’s with you now, guiding your path, making a way for you to arrive in my arms.

Today my little Slash, like so many kids in the world, doesn’t have a father to celebrate.  I can’t stand it.  I’m hanging onto the truth that one day, he-slash-she will have the best dad in the world, my WakingAlex.  I’m comforted that my boy-slash-girl has the perfect love of an unfailing Father, God Almighty.  But I’m wrecked.  I’m wrecked for George, who clung to Alex and probably needs another hug right about now.  I’m wrecked for Bosco, 13 years old and needing a daddy to model godly manhood to him.  Alex is writing to our boys tonight.  Oh, how I love him so much.  If only letters could have hugging arms.

I remember all those years that I begged and begged God to be a mother, to watch Alex be a father.  I am so grateful for Elliott.  And I’m so grateful that God chose to answer my begs in a way that I never saw coming.  What a privilege to spend the day celebrating my incredible husband, my brother, also an awesome father, and my dad, the most amazing role model a girl could have and the most loving and compassionate and godly man on the planet.  I am so blessed to have these men in my life, and I’m so blessed to have them in the life of my son.  Tonight I’m filled with equal parts joy for the father in my life and anguish for the millions of kids without daddies to hold them.  I’m so in love with the Father to the fatherless. 

God, in this broken world filled with hurting kids, be enough for them tonight.  Show them how much You love them.  Fill their hearts with God-powered Daddy-love.

Hey, Baby Slash.  Mommy’s been busy hopping planes and holding orphans, watching God unite kiddos with sponsor families.  It’s been amazing.  I love being part of God’s plan for these kids.   I get to be the one who holds up the big neon sign saying, “Look at how awesome my God is!”  I love being a sign-holder for God.  He’s done some pretty neon-praiseworthy things lately.

This week, as I’ve waved my awesome-God sign and seen my orphan profile packets dwindle to 17 lonely teenagers in need of sponsors (only 17 more!), my thoughts have fluttered over to you more and more.  It’s hard for me to think about you too much right now.  I can help hundreds and hundreds of orphans, but I can’t help you right now, MY orphan.  My Slash, who is an orphan right now but won’t be soon cuz Mommy.  Is.  Coming.  To.  Get.  You.  Oh, I wish it was tomorrow.  I wish it was today.  I just want to hold you hold you hold you forever and I want forever to start now!  Slash!  I miss you, buddy.  I miss you and I haven’t even met you yet.  Yesterday Elliott said that he thinks you’re a baby sister.  I think you’re a baby brother.  I can’t wait to find out what you are.  Last week I watched girls make beaded necklaces and then yesterday I bought girly clothes for your new cousin who’ll be about your age, and I wanted you to be a GIRL!  But then last week I watched two brothers play ball together and yesterday I watched Elliott swim with the boys, and I wanted you to be a BOY!  Pretty much I’m excited about you no matter what you are.  Whatever you are, you’re going to fit into my family, your family, our family.  We’ve been 3 for 3 years now.  I want to be 4…and then if God wants to double or triple that number, I’m all for it, as long as they’re not all toddlers at the same time. 

Slash, okay, I’m just going to be really real with you right now, Mommy has tears in her eyes thinking about you.  I’ve held babies in Africa now.  Baby Slash, some of them are sick.  Their hair is bleached light with malnutrition and their eyes are sickly yellow and some of them have malaria and are anemic and need nutrients.  Oh buddy, is your hair too light?  Are your eyes yellow?   Do you have malaria?  Do you have a parasite or ringworm or a rumbly, hungry belly?  Do you need Mommy to kiss it and make it better?  I want to take you to Publix and get you a cookie while we wait for your antibiotics that’ll kill all the bugs living in you.  I want to fatten you up with Chick-fil-A chocolate milkshakes with some Juice Plus gummies on the side for good measure.  Slash, please hold on.  I am coming for you.  I’m going to make you yummy smoothies, and full disclosure, I hide spinach in my smoothies, so prepare to receive nutrients on the sly, sweet child.

I just put Elliott to bed.  Someday soon, you’ll sleep in the room right next to his.  Daddy and I will read you both stories and brush your teeth and pray with you.  This month, Elliott and I have been thanking God for making him.  “Thanks, God, for making Elliott’s laugh.  Thanks, God, for making Elliott’s blue eyes….”  I’m thanking God for making you, too, and I can’t wait to thank Him together.  Thanks, God, for making Slash’s big brown eyes.  Thanks, God, for making Slash’s sweet smile.  Thanks, God, for making Slash’s curly hair…Thanks, God, for making Slash for our family.

This morning at Southside Church we saw over one hundred kids get sponsored.  The Daraja Children’s Choir led worship, and I mean WORSHIP, not just performance.  We got to experience a slice of heaven, joining with these kids to glorify our Father.  It was beautiful.  It was powerful.  And then somehow Alex and I propelled our bodies onto the stage and the Holy Spirit took over and made the words come out of our mouths.  He gave us a glorious reprieve from nervousness and allowed us to have fun sharing how our sponsor kids have touched our lives.  We got to share with our church family about the other family that God has placed in our hearts, the kids of Adacar.  While speaking about the community to community model of Children’s HopeChest and the power of the local church, I felt so grateful for MY church, that they want to experience this together, to extend ourselves to Uganda and partner with Adacar.  The Daraja kids sang, “Church arise, come alive.”  Today, Southside did just that for the kids in Africa.  I love my church.  I am so proud of my church.  Daraja sang a song that reduced me to a puddle, “I am not forgotten; God knows my name.”  Yes!  That’s the power of sponsorship, of building a relationship with a child halfway around the world.  To let that child know, “God knows your name.  You are not forgotten.  I know your name, and God has placed you on my heart and in my family.”  It’s happened for us with Bosco and George.  Kathleen has Harriet.  Then there’s Meribu and Florence and Mary and Simon Peter and on and on and on, kids who are not forgotten.  God knows their names, every name, and He can use US, the local church, as His provision for them.  “Arise, let the church arise!”  And now that we’re awake, let’s never go back to sleep.